Why Am I Like This?

 Why am I like this?

  Was it the multiple concussions or head injuries I've had between childhood and now? The vasovagal responses I'd have every time I had the wind knocked out of me, to the point where I'd bump into something and end up on my back staring at the sky wondering how I got there? Was it the bullying I endured during elementary school from classmates or from my family growing up (tough love, amirite)? The unfettered access to the internet and its "rotten" websites that had me losing brain cells even as I learned "fun" and "interesting" information? Was it the cartoons we used to watch; Ren and Stimpy, South Park, the Simpsons, that weird little dude on YouTube with the spoons or Carl and his penchant for hands or Charlie going to Candy Mountain? My current insomnia that leaves me with 3 hours or less of sleep a night? Was it the very many horrible events that occurred during my lifetime that made my sense of humor a little too skewed to the dark and weird? 

  We'll never know.

  Anyway, I made turn-shoe crocs. 

Sometimes I think maybe I should ask myself if I should before going for it.

  Full disclosure; this wasn't done out of the blue. I intend on making a legit pair of turn-shoes for a project I'm working on, but didn't want that project to be my first. So I figured I'd get a couple of sheets of leather large enough for two pairs of shoes and had the idea of making the "crocs" first. Had I been drinking at this time? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't remember, but I do remember thinking that this would be very funny or at least just very funny to me.

 The first step was buying the supplies for both my legit project and this one, so I started trolling leather sites for something that sparked inspiration. The plain vege-tanned leather I got for the base of the shoe and for my legit project, but I needed something extra for the top of my heinous project. There were plenty of choices for colorful leather, like bright pink, and I have to say I was tempted.

 Colorful leather wouldn't be enough, though. Why not use alligator leather for this? I asked myself, thinking it would add another layer to this horrible idea. The actual-alligator leather I did find was a little too expensive, but I was able to locate embossed cowhide in an alligator pattern. Close enough, even though I was a little heart broken about lowering my standards for my "Ye Olde Turn-Shoe Crocs" (patent pending) but I figured I'd be able to persevere.

  The leather showed up, but I didn't like the color. However, because I'm a shoe hoarder collector, I happened to have leather paint on hand. So the stone gray/blue/whatever leather became bronze. I then followed the same procedure for making turn-shoes, taking notes on what I was doing so that when I went to designing my legit shoes, I'd be able to do it correctly. Note; probably not.

  I finished sewing the shoes and was moderately happy with the result, although it was at this point I hit a roadblock. They needed the straps, but I was determined to have something that stayed with the "ye olde" theme (as in, not plastic). If I was going to do this, then I should probably do it right. Or, I guess, right-adjacent. What could I use for the straps to hold them, though, that would allow me to go into sport mode with ease? Wood would be too hard against the top of my feet if I went the route of making something that would pop through the leather and I didn't want to put the effort into whittling for this. Maybe deer antler toggles, I thought to myself, knowing that I had antler tips somewhere in the study without knowing exactly where. The dark side of my brain spoke up at this point.

 "These are Crocs," the dark side whispered. "Crocs. Use crocodile teeth."

  I didn't argue. To be fair, I don't usually argue with the dark side of my brain when it urges me to bad puns. Is this project a pun? However, just like the alligator hide, crocodile teeth were difficult to find and expensive. I lowered my standards, again, and purchased a 10 pack of alligator teeth on Etsy. Seriously, you can buy just about anything on Etsy. When the teeth finally showed up, I got out my Dremel and learned very quickly that alligator teeth are surprisingly tough. If you drill any sort of bone or antler, please remember to do it under water to reduce the dust and to prevent the teeth from, you know, catching on fire. Not that I know this from experience.

 With the straps finally attached I realized that these shoes needed at least one more thing to be complete and make them look like Crocs and not slippers; the holes. Once realized, I commenced researching the number of holes and their size; 13 holes, 9mm. I went down a size on the holes to 8mm since leather will stretch. After one attempt at cleanly cutting a hole, I decided a leather punch would be a better option. So I purchased a cheap set and while trying to cut a hole in the leather, I managed to puncture my finger (but not the leather, oddly enough). I returned that set and got a different set. Similar issue; the punch was not sharp enough. The third set that I got from Michaels ended up finally working, but a few of the holes are not as clean as I was hoping. 

 But that's okay, because the final, FINAL thing that these Ye Old Turn-Shoe Crocs™ desperately needed were those weird little charm thingies that I could use to hide the messy holes. I was surprised to learn that there were not a lot of medieval themed Jibbitz that I felt would work with this project. Then a friend, who sometimes fills in for the dark side of my brain when it's quiet, suggested pilgrimage badges.

 

Left shoe... no wait, right shoe close-up

 Another day, another purchase for these stupid shoes. Four hilarious pilgrim badges by Billy and Charlie later, two lovingly laser-printed "Jibbitz," and an old sheepskin later, the Ye Olde Turn-Shoe Crocs were complete. I'd do it again, but maybe in hot pink next time.

The other shoe close-up

Lessons Learned

• Spend the extra bit of money or time to get a proper set of tools. The cheaper stuff is cheap for a reason.
• Do not just use the foot tracing when cutting out the shoe as this results in a bulbous looking foot. Design the shoe out further to make it look more normal (notable for the next turn-shoes I intend to make).
• Alligator teeth take about 6 minutes a tooth to Dremel a hole through, underwater. Out of water, they start burning and smell horrible. Or so I hear.
• It takes a village. No seriously, the three people I told about this project when I was doing it were so incredibly helpful and encouraging (evil little chaos goblins like myself). I had a ton of fun and I look forward to horrifying people at events with these.